Absolutely hilarious list of “advice to children.” Some of my favorites:

Burt Reynolds? Nope. Tom Selleck? Uh uh. Try Chile D. Molester. Shave that fucking mustache.

Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass.

You can use Krazy Glue in lieu of surgical stitches. For when you’re, you know, too poor to go to the emergency room. Or trying to avoid explaining things to the police.

The Renaissance Faire may not be the source of all your problems, but it sure as shit isn’t helping any.

When it comes time to pick out that first tattoo, remember: it doesn’t matter how much you like that one comic book. There’s always a chance that eight years later someone will make a movie of it that stars Sylvester Stallone. And you’ll be fucked.